FAQ Grief Support Groups:
What to Expect
You think of bad coffee and lots of tears when thinking of a grief support groups? And that's not for you? Understandable. And you're entitled to expect more. In this article will discover
- about different group concepts and how you can find a group for yourself,
- why grief support groups work for many people, and
- signs for quality in a support group.
People who are dealing with the death of another person meet in grief support groups.
Even if there are a few bereaved who feel burdened by a group, most bereaved persons I met find the exchange with other people after loss to be very helpful. And some of them were previously skeptical about whether a grief group would be right for them.
What Happens in a Grief Support Group?
In a grief support group, people meet and work through the loss of their loved one – each and every one of them, individually and at the same time together. Group members support each other. Trost zu spenden, sprechen zu dürfen UND den anderen zuzuhören, auf Wunsch (und nur dann, bitte) Tipps zu teilen und gemeinsam Zeit mit der Trauer zu verbringen.
In short, participants in a grief support group create the a loving and supportive space for each other and each member's grief.
There are different group set-ups: many groups are discussion groups. In these groups, the bereaved individuals talk about the topics that weigh heavily on them – especially in open groups (see below for more information). Sometimes, and more often in closed groups, the group leader selects a topic to be discussed each session.
Some groups approach mourning in a less talkative, more hands-on way: they go hiking, learn relaxation techniques or express their grief through creative methods – anything from writing to painting to expressive dance.
What all groups have in common is that bereaved individuals feel supported by a community of other bereaved individuals – precisely because they did not choose their affiliation.
What Bereavement Support Groups Are There?
Those looking for a group will find it at the various professional associations, for example the overview of German bereavement groups at trauergruppe.de or special self-help groups for bereaved parents (this is the link to the federal association) or for those left behind by suicide (AGUS).
There are different kinds of groups:
Support groups
Many grief support groups follow the self-help pattern: group leaders suffered from the same loos as other participants. They lead the group on a voluntary basis and are trained in grief counseling and group leadership (for example, I am a volunteer group leader in the Sternenkindergruppe of the Verwaisten Eltern und trauernden Geschwister München e.V.).
If groups are managed by full-time employees or self-employed therapists on behalf of a sponsor or organization, then strictly speaking they are not self-help groups. This is because self-help groups are based on the trust that people can cope with their grief in the right environment.
And even if the “professional background” may look reassuring: many bereaved individuals experience their own involvement with a volunteer grief counsellor as meaningful because the group leaders are the best examples that we as human beings can survive even a severe loss. In the end, it is a question of chemistry and trust.
Private/closed and open groups
It depends on the group's concept whether the same group members always meet in a closed group or whether new members can join at any time – as in an open group. Each of the two group types has advantages and disadvantages.
In a closed group, some people find it easier to build trust because you meet each other multiple times. (And at the same time, you are also tied to people you don't like very much - yet). The fact that everyone sets out on the journey at the same time and passes certain stations also helps. This can create a strong bond.
The downside: if you're not in it, you have to wait.
That's one of the great advantages of the open group: new members can join any time, whenever they feel they are ready.
Open groups also provide you with examples: A conversation with someone who lost someone a few month ago, can be uplifting if you only have recently been affected. You might find confidence that one day, you too will feel more stable. And bereaved individuals who have been affected for some time understand how far they have come when they see those recently bereaved. I have often heard the astonished comment: “A few months ago, that was me sitting there – and somehow I got through it.”
If you have the choice, you have to decide for yourself what suits your needs better.
Grief support groups by topic
Many bereavement support groups are aimed at specific “target groups”, depending on who has died: bereaved individuals following a suicide, bereaved parents or grieving siblings, widows and widowers, bereaved children. Sometimes the subdivision is even more granular – e.g. groups for bereaved parents whose children died during pregnancy or around the time of birth meet in a different group from parents whose children died at a later age from suicide.
Within their small group of like fates, some bereaved individuals feel “safer” that other participants understand their thoughts and needs. Sometimes, they share experiences in their grief – dashed hopes when the child dies, or coping with everyday life when the partner dies. And they sometimes experience similar reactions from those around them: for example, the experience that their grief for a deceased child in pregnancy is denied by those around them.
In my experience, this can be true and something else is way more important: Are you able to be compassionate and to empathize? Even in groups of parents of children who died suddenly, there are sometimes parents who deny other parents their grief. That is why a well-trained group leader is important – more on this below.
Why Grief Support Groups Work
Many participants in a grief support group are surprised that they can talk so openly with strangers – and often about very personal things. Why is that?
A bond forged by shared adversity
Bereaved individuals who attend a group often find it easier to open up to someone who are suffered the same fate . For many bereaved individuals, this complements the support they receive from family and friends, and often takes some of the pressure off these relationships.
Many people also find comfort in knowing that they are not the only person affected (especially if it was a sudden death).
Others feel the same way
If you are new to grief, it is reassuring to know that others also feel “this way”: so sad, so desperate, so lonely, so angry, so unfairly treated, so vulnerable, so... By sharing with others, many bereaved individuals realize that these emotions are part of the grieving process and that way of their feeling and coping is “normal” for their situation - even if the situation itself is an absolute exception in their lives.
Having to explain less
Many bereaved individuals say that talking about their loss with their “new best friends” in a support or online group is easier than talking with friends. One reason for this could be that bereaved individuals have to explain less. If the others experienced or feel something similar, it is easier to talk about one's own feelings and experiences. This is especially true for the strong feelings like shame, fear, guilt etc..
Some bereaved individuals also feel that they have to be less careful about what they say. If everyone brings their own story, my story might weigh less heavily on them.
And then there is the helpful fact that the others don't know you from before – so you don't have to worry to cause fear or dismay in friends or colleagues or that you have to handle their insecurity.
This is something I often see as a grief counselor: It is easier for me to find the resources and strengths of bereaved individuals than it is for their close friends or family.
Exchanging tips and coping strategies
In Groups, bereaved individuals often share coping strategies and how to find resources. This helps them find new ways of dealing with their grief. In a well-led group, advice and tips are only given when requested or prompted. Everyone's journey of grief is so individual that anything else would be presumptuous.
Support others in their journey
During the first few meetings, many bereaved individuals realize that it helps to help others on their journey. In addition to forming connections, this also gives them a sense of being “useful” to others. The longer people are part of a bereavement support group, the more they experience that sharing their experiences can encourage other bereaved individuals. And when they meet newly bereaved persons, they see how far they themselves have come.
Taking time for the deceased
Some bereaved parents in my grief support group sometimes share at the end that they enjoyed the session as they had the chance to take the time to remember the deceased. This if often the case when the death occurred several months ago, and mourning is pushed into the background in everyday life, but is not over. When the daily grind leaves not much time for memories or rituals, they feel more connected after the session. Here, a grief support group offers space to feel the connection again.
What Makes a “Good” Grief Support Group?
Sharing stories is at the heart of a grief support group. And especially as this important, there are boundaries that need to be maintained in grief support groups to protect all members.
To this end, there are group rules all members agree upon; in an open group, these are standing rules that new members learn about through the behavior of others, and also when they are shared explicitly, e.g. at the beginning of a session.
For example, there should be a consensus that everyone finds the opportunity to share, without interruption. At the same time, no one should feel obliged to say anything – nosy questions are not allowed!
Since everyone has their own journey of grief, the participants primarily talk about themselves and their grief; advice and tips are only appropriate when explicitly asked for; sentences starting with “you have to” should be discouraged. A helpful attitude is that of a genuinely interested listener.
To ensure this, the group moderators need to be qualified. “Qualified” means: qualified in grief counseling and handling group dynamics!
This is not a distinction based on whether the person is a full-time grief counselor or a volunteer, but rather on the attitude towards grief: trained grief counselors have learned how to manage their emotions and how to deal with the unpleasant feelings of others. They exemplify patience and recognition of grief, convey that grief is not an illness that needs to be cured, and recognize how different personal coping strategies and grief journeys can be.
They share knowledge about grief as needed and should be trained in handling group dynamics or moderation – this way, they can create a space in which the bereaved individuals can talk to each other without boundary violations or judgment.
If group leaders attend further training and regularly reflect on themselves in supervision, this usually is a indicator of quality as well.
Some groups make it a rule to have at least two group leaders per evening – to make up for weak moments and to reflect on the process together later. This helps to prevent the group leaders from becoming too self-important.
Fit To Attend a Grief Support Group?
When bereaved individuals visit a group, they expect that the others will listen to them. This means implicitly that they themselves must be willing to listen to others as well. Otherwise, the group will not work.
That's why it's important to have a certain stability and self-reflection:
- Can I listen without judging, interrupting, or just redirecting to my own story?
- Can I tell my story in a way that makes it ok for others to listen to? For example, can I leave out gory details?
- What do I expect from the group – and what do I have to offer?
lz
And: attending a bereavement support group needs to be voluntary. If someone is “pushed” into a group by well-meaning relatives, they are often not yet open to benefit from the group. They might even feel overwhelmed by the stories of others. Therefore it is vital to respect their willingness.
lz
What can you do if you need support while grieving?
If you still have concerns that a group setting is not the best environment for your grief, please reach out for a one-on-one session or an individual coaching. Thy can be a useful first step or a parallel step to prepare for a group.
lz
Looking for professional grief counseling?
Contact me to see if I am the right grief counselor for you: hallo [at] trauer-coaching.de or book a get-to-know via calendly (external page) .
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