FAQ Grief Support Groups:
What to Expect
You think of bad coffee and lots of tears when thinking of a grief support groups? And that's not for you? Understandable. And you're entitled to expect more. In this article will discover
- about different group concepts and how you can find a group for yourself,
- why grief support groups work for many people, and
- signs for quality in a support group.
People who are dealing with the death of another person meet in grief support groups.
Even if there are a few bereaved who feel burdened by a group, most bereaved persons I met find the exchange with other people after loss to be very helpful. And some of them were previously skeptical about whether a grief group would be right for them.
What Happens in a Grief Support Group?
In a grief support group, people meet and work through the loss of their loved one – each and every one of them, individually and at the same time together. Group members support each other. Trost zu spenden, sprechen zu dürfen UND den anderen zuzuhören, auf Wunsch (und nur dann, bitte) Tipps zu teilen und gemeinsam Zeit mit der Trauer zu verbringen.
In short, participants in a grief support group create the a loving and supportive space for each other and each member's grief.
There are different group set-ups: many groups are discussion groups. In these groups, the bereaved individuals talk about the topics that weigh heavily on them – especially in open groups (see below for more information). Sometimes, and more often in closed groups, the group leader selects a topic to be discussed each session.
Some groups approach mourning in a less talkative, more hands-on way: they go hiking, learn relaxation techniques or express their grief through creative methods – anything from writing to painting to expressive dance.
What all groups have in common is that bereaved individuals feel supported by a community of other bereaved individuals – precisely because they did not choose their affiliation.
What Bereavement Support Groups Are There?
Those looking for a group will find it at the various professional associations, for example the overview of German bereavement groups at trauergruppe.de or special self-help groups for bereaved parents (this is the link to the federal association) or for those left behind by suicide (AGUS).
There are different kinds of groups:
Support groups
Many grief support groups follow the self-help pattern: group leaders suffered from the same loos as other participants. They lead the group on a voluntary basis and are trained in grief counseling and group leadership (for example, I am a volunteer group leader in the Sternenkindergruppe of the Verwaisten Eltern und trauernden Geschwister München e.V.).
If groups are managed by full-time employees or self-employed therapists on behalf of a sponsor or organization, then strictly speaking they are not self-help groups. This is because self-help groups are based on the trust that people can cope with their grief in the right environment.
Und auch wenn der „professionelle Hintergrund“ auf den einen oder anderen beruhigend wirken mag: Viele Trauernde erleben gerade die eigene Betroffenheit ehrenamtlicher Trauerbegleitung als sinnvoll, weil die Gruppenleitungen die besten Beispiele sind, dass wir als Menschen auch schwere Verluste überleben können. Letztlich ist es eine Frage von Chemie und Vertrauen.
Private/closed and open groups
It depends on the group's concept whether the same group members always meet in a closed group or whether new members can join at any time – as in an open group. Each of the two group types has advantages and disadvantages.
In a closed group, some people find it easier to build trust because you meet each other multiple times. (And at the same time, you are also tied to people you don't like very much - yet). The fact that everyone sets out on the journey at the same time and passes certain stations also helps. This can create a strong bond.
The downside: if you're not in it, you have to wait.
That's one of the great advantages of the open group: new members can join any time, whenever they feel they are ready.
Und offene Gruppen geben Beispiele: Im Austausch mit Menschen, bei denen der Todesfall schön länger zurückliegt, schöpfen frisch Betroffene Zuversicht, dass auch sie eines Tages stabiler in der Trauer sind. Und Trauernde, die schon länger betroffen sind, begreifen, wie weit sie schon gekommen sind, wenn sie frisch Betroffenen sehen. Schon mehrfach habe ich dann den verwunderten Satz gehört: „Vor ein paar Monaten saß ich so da – und irgendwie ging es dann doch weiter“.
If you have the choice, you have to decide for yourself what suits your needs better.
Grief support groups by topic
Viele Trauergruppen richten sich an bestimmte „Zielpersonen“, je nachdem, wer gestorben ist: an Suizid-Hinterbliebene, Verwaiste Eltern oder trauende Geschwister, an Witwen und Witwer, an trauernde Kinder. Manchmal ist die Unterteilung sogar noch feingranularer – dann treffen sich verwaiste Eltern, deren Kinder in der Schwangerschaft oder rund um die Geburt gestorben sind, in einer anderen Gruppe als Eltern, deren Kinder an Suizid gestorben sind.
Durch die Aufteilung fühlen sich manche Trauernde „sicherer“, dass die anderen Teilnehmenden sie verstehen. Die Betroffenen machen manchmal ähnliche Erfahrungen in der Trauer – geplatzte Hoffnung, wenn das Kind stirbt, oder Alltagsbewältigung beim Tod des oder der Lebenpartners_in. Und sie erfahren mitunter ähnliche Reaktionen aus ihrem Umfeld: etwa die Erfahrung, dass die Trauer um ein verstorbenes Kind in der Schwangerschaft vom Umfeld aberkannt wird.
In my experience, this can be true and something else is way more important: Are you able to be compassionate and to empathize? Even in groups of parents of children who died suddenly, there are sometimes parents who deny other parents their grief. That is why a well-trained group leader is important – more on this below.
Why Grief Support Groups Work
Many participants in a grief support group are surprised that they can talk so openly with strangers – and often about very personal things. Why is that?
A bond forged by shared adversity
Bereaved individuals who attend a group often find it easier to open up to someone who are suffered the same fate . For many bereaved individuals, this complements the support they receive from family and friends, and often takes some of the pressure off these relationships.
Many people also find comfort in knowing that they are not the only person affected (especially if it was a sudden death).
Others feel the same way
Wenn Trauer Neuland ist, beruhigt die Erfahrung, dass andere sich auch „so“ fühlen: so traurig, so verzweifelt, so einsam, so wütend, so unfair behandelt, so verletzlich, so… Durch den Austausch mit anderen erkennen viele Trauernde, dass diese Emotionen Teil des Trauerprozesses und für ihre Situation „normal“ sind – auch wenn die Situation selbst eine absolute Ausnahmesituation ihres Lebens ist.
Having to explain less
Viele Trauernde sagen, das über-den-Tod-sprechen mit den „neuen besten Bekannten“ in einer Selbsthilfe- oder Online-Gruppe als leichter als mit Freunden. Ein Grund könnte sein, dass Trauernde sich in der Gruppe weniger erklären müssen. Wenn die Anderen ähnliches erlebt haben oder ähnliches fühlen, ist es einfacher, über die eignen Gefühle und Erlebnisse zu sprechen.
Some bereaved individuals also feel that they have to be less careful about what they say. If everyone brings their own story, my story might weigh less heavily on them.
And then there is the helpful fact that the others don't know you from before – so you don't have to worry to cause fear or dismay in friends or colleagues or that you have to handle their insecurity.
This is something I often see as a grief counselor: It is easier for me to find the resources and strengths of bereaved individuals than it is for their close friends or family.
Exchanging tips and coping strategies
In Groups, bereaved individuals often share coping strategies and how to find resources. This helps them find new ways of dealing with their grief. In a well-led group, advice and tips are only given when requested or prompted. Everyone's journey of grief is so individual that anything else would be presumptuous.
Support others in their journey
During the first few meetings, many bereaved individuals realize that it helps to help others on their journey. In addition to forming connections, this also gives them a sense of being “useful” to others. The longer people are part of a bereavement support group, the more they experience that sharing their experiences can encourage other bereaved individuals. And when they meet newly bereaved persons, they see how far they themselves have come.
Taking time for the deceased
Some bereaved parents in my grief support group sometimes share at the end that they enjoyed the session as they had the chance to take the time to remember the deceased. This if often the case when the death occurred several months ago, and mourning is pushed into the background in everyday life, but is not over. When the daily grind leaves not much time for memories or rituals, they feel more connected after the session. Here, a grief support group offers space to feel the connection again.
Woran erkenne ich eine „gute“ Trauergruppe?
Sharing stories is at the heart of a grief support group. And especially as this important, there are boundaries that need to be maintained in grief support groups to protect all members.
To this end, there are group rules all members agree upon; in an open group, these are standing rules that new members learn about through the behavior of others, and also when they are shared explicitly, e.g. at the beginning of a session.
For example, there should be a consensus that everyone finds the opportunity to share, without interruption. At the same time, no one should feel obliged to say anything – nosy questions are not allowed!
Da Jede_r eine eigene Trauerreise hat, sprechen die Teilnehmenden vor allem von sich und ihrer Trauer; Ratschläge und Tipps haben im besten Fall nur bei expliziten Frage Platz; und „Du musst“-Formulierungen bleiben draußen. Hilfreich ist eine Haltung des ernsthaft interessierten Zuhörens.
Damit das gelingen kann, braucht es qualifizierte Leitende. „Qualifiziert leiten“ bedeutet dabei: Qualifiziert in der Trauerbegleitung!
This is not a distinction based on whether the person is a full-time grief counselor or a volunteer, but rather on the attitude towards grief: trained grief counselors have learned how to manage their emotions and how to deal with the unpleasant feelings of others. They exemplify patience and recognition of grief, convey that grief is not an illness that needs to be cured, and recognize how different personal coping strategies and grief journeys can be.
They share knowledge about grief as needed and should be trained in handling group dynamics or moderation – this way, they can create a space in which the bereaved individuals can talk to each other without boundary violations or judgment.
If group leaders attend further training and regularly reflect on themselves in supervision, this usually is a indicator of quality as well.
Einige Gruppen geben sich die Regel, dass es mindestens zwei Gruppenleitende pro Abend geben sollte – um schwache Momente aufzufangen und den Verlauf später gemeinsam zu reflektieren. Das beugt einer möglichen „Selbstherrlichkeit“ der Gruppenleitung vor.
Fit To Attend a Grief Support Group?
When bereaved individuals visit a group, they expect that the others will listen to them. This means implicitly that they themselves must be willing to listen to others as well. Otherwise, the group will not work.
That's why it's important to have a certain stability and self-reflection:
- Can I listen without judging, interrupting, or just redirecting to my own story?
- Can I tell my story in a way that makes it ok for others to listen to? For example, can I leave out gory details?
- What do I expect from the group – and what do I have to offer?
lz
Und: Der Besuch einer Trauergruppe ist besonders dann sinnvoll, wenn sich Trauernde dazu entscheiden. Personen, die von Angehörigen „hingedrängt“ werden, können die Vorteile aus der Gruppe oft noch nicht für sich nutzen. Und manchmal sind sie überfordert mit der Geschichten der anderen. Das sollte das Umfeld respektieren.
lz
What can you do if you need support while grieving?
If you still have concerns that a group setting is not the best environment for your grief, please reach out for a one-on-one session or an individual coaching. Thy can be a useful first step or a parallel step to prepare for a group.
lz
Looking for professional grief counseling?
Contact me to see if I am the right grief counselor for you: hallo [at] trauer-coaching.de or book a get-to-know via calendly (external page) .
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