Grief and Christmas

Christmas while Mourning: Inspiration for a Holiday Season that Includes Loss and Grief

Celebrate Christmas with your grief, not against it. Here are my three tips for doing so in a nutshell:

1. Be prepared for grief to surface during the Christmas holidays.
2. At the same time, prepare yourself for the possibility that there may be beautiful moments as well.
3. Include a memento of or tribute to the deceased person in your Christmas traditions.

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→ By remembering and honoring the deceased, you give them a dedeicated place in your life and allow yourself to stay connected to them.

Here are some ideas on how you can incorporate the memory of the deceased person:

• Take a memento with you when you leave the house. It could be a photo (in your pocket), a piece of jewelry, a T-shirt, or a scarf...whatever ggives your comfort.
• Craft a memento. One option is a small empty chair that you can paint and decorate. This gives the deceased person a “place” at the table and makes the loss visible.
• You can also create tree decorations. For example, there are empty Christmas baubles or decorative wooden pendants that to inscribe with the name of the deceased and decorate further, and then hang on the tree.
• Or you could paint stones or sew small comfort hearts from an item of clothing belonging to the deceased person, which you can give away as a memento. The hearts can be pillow-sized or small enough to fit in the palm of your hand.
• You could gift someone with the deceased's favorite books or music, thus honoring them and opening the opportunity for a talk about the deceased with the living.
• And you can give yourself a gift that shows your connection, such as a piece of jewelry or a tattoo.
• Last but not least, you can ask people to donate to an organization that was important to the deceased person instead of giving gifts.

Talk about the Deceased and Develop Rituals

Whatever you do in terms of creating mementos, you als initiate talking about the deceased person or about your grief, making it easier for other to relate to you. In a sense, you are opening the door to those around you.

This often makes it easier to talk about a ritual or commemoration in a larger group:

• craft a candle for the deceased and light it
• offer a toast that inludes the deceased at Xmas or New Years
• put up a photo
• listen to a special song together
• serve their favorite pastry
• visit the cementery together
• cut a decorated branch from the Christmas tree, and bring it to the grave.

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And finally: Please don't feel guilty if, despite your grief over a loss, you experience a moment of joy at Christmas. Just as you are allowed to feel sadness and longing. Perhaps you will be able to alternate between the two? Then your grief at Christmas would be similar to other days: it comes and goes like waves. And both ebb and flow have their place.

Grief at Christmas: Prepare Yourself and Allow for It to Happen

Grief is at least as present at Christmas as it is on other days. It doesn't take a break for a few days just because of the holiday seasons. Perhaps it fades into the background from time to time—as it does on other days. And it may even be stronger. Why?

• Memories of past Christmases or hopes for future ones bombard those who are grieving.
• This longing is particularly strong when it feels like “everyone else” has a joyful Christmas with their loved ones. In addition to mourning the deceased person, the grief over one's own lost opportunities is particularly acute. This longing makes many people sad, even after other losses, such as the death of a pet or a breakup.
• Sometimes grief hits particularly hard because, after the stressful pre-holiday period, around Christmas there are a few days of peace and quiet. Some bereaved persons are familiar with this feeling from their evenings or weekends: during the day, it's easy to distract yourself, but when things quiet down, grief sets in. In addition, everyday routines are missing.
• Finally, short, gloomy days can be an additional burden for some bereaved persons, and insufficient exercise, a lack of walking in nature, or alcohol consumption add to the load.

Tips to Prepare for Christmas

For many bereaved persons, Christmas is more stressful than regular days. This is because many of us are already exhausted when the holidays begin.

With this in mind: My first tip is so obvious that it's easy to forget, especially during the hectic pre-Christmas period: Take good care of yourself, especially in the weeks leading up to Christmas.

Please don't just give in to the pressure to join in with everything. Right now may be a good time to remind those around you of your grief.

And: You don't have to spend the pre-Christmas period as if nothing had happened. You decide whether you want to plan some time to compensate for stress or avoid the hustle altogether. Some people throw themselves into work, while others consciously seek connection with their deceased loved one, for example through rituals, conversations, visits to the cemetery, or similar activities. You decide what is right for you.

My second tip: Plan how you will “take” your deceased loved one with you at Christmas. Plan something to commemorate them every day. Specific tips can be found above. Also, don't pack your days too full. Instead, develop alternatives for what you can do, depending on what you need—from rest to jogging, from visiting the grave to talking about the deceased. Also, let those around you know if you want to decide on a daily basis whether you will participate in activities or withdraw.

Mein dritter Tipp, gerade für die Tage davor: Versuchen Sie, sich auf das Hier und Heute zu konzentrieren. Die Angst vor den Weihnachtstagen (wie auch vor Jahrestagen) ist oft schlimmer als die Tage selbst. Planen Sie vor. Und stoppen Sie das Kopfkino, wenn es belastend wird, z. B. indem Sie laut „Stopp“ sagen, eine Atemübung starten oder Ähnliches. Das gilt auch für die Weihnachtstage selbst: Sie müssen nur den Moment schaffen, nicht alle Tage gleichzeitig.

My fourth tip: Traditions are negotiable. If someone close to you has passed away, you don't have to do everything exactly like you did in previous years, especially at Christmas. Rituals should help people. If they become rigid traditions that cause you pain, you are allowed to change things. Talk to other family members about how new, helpful traditions can be created. And that includes getting away before Christmas and using the time for a vacation.

Grief despite Christmas?

Should you mourn even though it's Christmas? Yes, please! Suppressing grief is not the best of ideas. And even if it work, it can lead to irritability, or the grief may return even more strongly afterwards. Both are stressful.

A second thought: Suppressing grief at Christmas or on other days also means hiding the memory of the deceased person. Is that what you want?

Even at Christmas, grief can come and go in waves, sometimes showing itself and sometimes fading into the background, just like on other days. Grief at Christmas does not mean just being sad or feel longing. As on other days, those who are grieving are allowed to take breaks from their grief, during which the here and now is okay. This does not mean forgetting the deceased person. It means recognizing that you are still alive—with a connection to the deceased person.